Focusing on what you can control, building a strong parent-child bond & managing postpartum stress in the height of COVID
By Emily Griffin, MSW, LICSW, LCSW-C
Happy Parents, Happy Babies LLC
Welcoming a new baby can be stressful on many fronts.
There is an inherent existential crisis when a new parent realizes they are responsible for this fragile being who is fully dependent on them. Suddenly adulthood takes on a whole new meaning, which comes with many decisions to be made, values to be clarified, new skills to learn, and a learning curve around the adventure of wading through all of this under a veil of heavy fatigue. Throw in social distancing, a very real health threat to your immediate family and friends, hospital policies that impact your birth and labor experience (possibly increasing trauma), and career/financial instability-- well there is plenty to distract us and interrupt the postpartum glow of our new parenting memories in the making.
Here are 11 things you can do to harness the control, from a mom of 5 children and psychotherapist specializing in perinatal mental health and parenting support. I am also immunocompromised, so being mostly homebound is my reality. The strategies below are focused on stress reduction and increasing positive day to day experiences within the context of an ever-changing health crisis, with thought towards helping your family dynamic as your baby gets a bit older and needing a sustainable routine that feels rewarding and manageable.
Talk to your baby as if they understand you. Let them know what’s happening next. Observe out loud what they are noticing. It helps their speech and social development, manages their level of stress, and will help you to stay present. Be mindful of constantly stimulating them, though. Watch for other feelings being expressed by your baby, besides physical discomfort and needs. Are they overwhelmed or overstimulated and need a break? Starting to get tired of reading and maybe bored? Fascinated with the tree from across the street and want to go back to look at it again? They need time for quiet observation and processing too. This will facilitate independent play later as well.
Offer comfort when you notice distress. Sing to them, notice what songs soothe them. Use touch and soft massage. Responding to your baby in a consistent and comforting way will boost his/her brain development and future ability to manage stress.
Find meaningful ways to deal with your own feelings. Talk to your friends, write in a journal, explore guided meditation, find a good therapist with whom you feel comfortable being yourself, or lean into creative outlets like painting or knitting. Your coping strategies may change, let them develop and evolve.
Engage your support system creatively. Accept help with caregiving. Is it difficult for you to ask for help? Allow yourself to talk about why this is difficult with someone you trust. If you have important family members or friends who you can’t see in person, can you schedule regular zoom lunches with them? Zoom time to read to or sing to the baby? Just being together, like in high school on your landline when you’d talk with friends, with no particular agenda?
Find joy in daily rituals and activities. How can you incorporate music into your chores while baby gets to see you move? How can you add more splashes of color into your meals, environment, and wardrobe to boost your mood? How can you move your body more often in an energizing way (that doesn’t feel burdensome)? Are you able to laugh at your mistakes? Sometimes connecting with levity is a key ingredient to getting back to joy.
Take care of your partner and those who are most dear to you. Invest time in those relationships, whether you can see them in person or not. Your partner needs friendship from you now more than ever. Making an effort to keep your relationship warm and engaging is worth the energy. If it seems difficult and you’re feeling distant, it may be time to reach out for couples counseling to facilitate those uncomfortable conversations and learn positive communication techniques. The Gottman Institute is a great place to start reading about these strategies. It can even be valuable to read one of John and Julie Gottman’s books out loud together, in order to facilitate discussion.
Give your partner more clear direction on how they can support you. It can feel disappointing to have to ask for what you need, to have to describe how you feel most taken care of. But your partner cannot read your mind. And you are continuing to grow as you navigate your life, so let them into that process in a way that allows for growth together and authentic connection.
Give yourself permission to grieve the experiences you and your family are not able to have at this time. Write about it. Establish an email address for your baby so you can write about what you wanted to do with them, and also describe what’s happening in life and your world right now. It will be lovely and powerful to go back to with them when old enough to read their email and reflect on this time together.
And on the other side of grieving—give yourself permission to make some post-COVID plans. Even during COVID, if something isn’t working well about your current situation, you can reevaluate! Families are making big shifts right now- in their careers, in their homes, relocating… Nothing has to be off the table if it’s possible with the resources you have. Take the time to talk alternative plans and visions through, walk through the image of that plan in your mind to allow for how you may feel once you make that choice and are in that new place. Does it work better for your family? Talk it out as much as you need, think it through, and avoid making big decisions in the heat of a big moment. Your family, your choices. There is inherent power in that to draw strength and resilience from.
If you find it difficult to engage with your infant, reach out for therapeutic support. It may have to do with your own complex connection with your own parents, unresolved birth trauma, or other emotional wounds. Addressing this challenge as early as possible will allow for repair and connection with your baby, which will ultimately improve your sense of satisfaction in family life.
Learn about child neurodevelopment. Knowing what to expect and having realistic expectations is important to your own development as a parent. But don’t oversaturate yourself… My favorite resource is the Zero To Three website. Your baby may be different from other babies in your family and friend circles- watch out for comparisons and learn self-compassion when you fall into the comparison trap.
Want to know more about how you can get help for your family through this difficult time? Reach out for individual or couples’ support, follow me on Medium for more articles, or email me to ask me anything, including referrals to other fabulous mental health professionals who can help.
For those interested in my upcoming virtual couples class- I need your input on scheduling! Email me with your expressed interest and scheduling needs.
Preparing for Life with Baby During Two Pandemics: A Virtual Class for Couples I intend to address the following topics in this 4 hour time together:-What to expect emotionally as your partner adjusts to their new role in the context of less contact with others & ever-changing social challenges-How to support them through this time and strategies for your own self-care to minimize the impact of chronic stress.-When to reach out for professional support (PPD, anxiety, mood disorders during and after pregnancy)-Having uncomfortable family conversations- strategies for holding boundaries and navigating your "bubble" while making tough decisions-Figuring out your level of participation in change that is possible while watching police brutality and other racial injustices causing suffering to others, given your life demands and needs, as well as your family values and building awareness around anti-racism and empathy across racial lines (which is a high point of tension right now in multiracial families as well as others) . -Other factors that impact your coping and stress tolerance during pregnancy and postpartum-How to reinforce meaningful connections with your support system so that you can have the best possible experience while mostly home-bound.-Validation and support from other parents facing similar challenges and stress.This will be a 2 session class. 4 hours total, to allow for interactive, meaningful dialogue. Cost is $285 or notify me if you are in need of a reduced fee. Those paying full fee help to support access to this class for those with more financial constraints. Attendees will receive a 20 minute follow up private session free of charge at any point in their pregnancy or postpartum experience. Open to local and distant families, as well as families welcoming 2nd and 3rd babies... Feel free to share with family and friends- anyone who may need this.